Antonio was a friend. He wasn’t supposed to be. We have rules, boundaries really, amongst counsellors that we do not get close to our clients. That we only work with them towards solutions for a short time and then let them go on their own. That’s not the way it works with those who struggle with mental health, brain injury and addiction. People just don’t suddenly become well with such struggles.
So I worked with Antonio in the usual way at first. We did assessments and treatment planning. He was homeless when we first met so the first thing on the agenda was housing. Eventually we were able to get him into what was then a new facility. Once he was housed, the real work started with his substance use. Then it was his mental health. Then it was his challenge with brain injury. Of course, progress was limited and full of potholes.
We worked hard. Weeks became months, months turned into years; ten years in fact. In that time, our friendship grew. It was inevitable. I don’t think any person can be so involved in a journey and story so complex without becoming close. Now we didn’t hang out or anything but we developed a solid relationship. I always looked forward to seeing Antonio and I like to think he felt the same. He was definitely open with me and eventually was able to share his story. That was not an easy thing for him. His trauma was huge.
His story was hard to piece together so I may not have all of the details correct. His brain injury also effected his memory so I’m not sure he had everything sorted. But this is what I remember from what he had told me.
He first told me about his childhood in El Salvador. His family was embroiled in the civil war there. Antonio told me that he watched his father get shot in the eye. Later on he told me that he was there when his brother was found drowned in a small lake near his home. A casualty of the civil war playing out in that country.
His two brothers were on either side of the civil war and one had left the family to fight against the other brother. He didn’t mention much more about the fighting as it seemed extremely difficult for him to discuss it. I didn’t pry either.
In the end, he managed to escape his country. He told me he travelled through Mexico first then north through to the US. He landed in California for a time if I heard right. It might have been Texas but I can’t be sure. Either way he eventually made his way to Canada.
During his travelling he developed a dependence on alcohol. He told me that he had attended a treatment program once in Canada but it didn’t stick.
One day he was sitting at a bus stop after drinking too much. I don’t know what happened and I believe him when he said he didn’t remember but someone took a lead pipe or some weapon of that sort and smashed his head. He woke up in hospital after acquiring a brain injury from that trauma. His life was forever changed.
Antonio came to my office around 2010. He was dressed poorly, hungry, tired and severely depressed. He said he wanted to stop drinking. He was staying at the Gospel Mission at the time. He had stated that someone was after him for money but he did not remember taking or borrowing any. This was a tactic used on the street from time to time by people desperate for money. They would prey on the more vulnerable and at the time Antonio fit the bill. And Antonio had a very poor memory so he had trouble defending himself.
We spent the next couple of weeks walking through safety strategies and looking for housing. We finally were able to score an interview at a supportive housing facility that had just opened up. He was accepted almost immediately. He had been homeless for at least two years so he was ecstatic that he was accepted.
After a couple of years there, they wanted him to try to move on to more independent housing. There was an opportunity at another supportive facility that was, well, less supportive and requiring more independence and capability from the tenants there.
Unfortunately, while there, Antonio’s depression overwhelmed him as his supports were almost eliminated aside from myself. He became suicidal and ended up hospitalized for a few weeks. We were able to arrange for him to return to his original housing with the help and advocacy of the psychiatrist. There, we were able to assign another community rehab worker with him to help Antonio with basic necessities. This was exactly what he needed and from that time on we were able to focus back on his mental health and his substance use.
Antonio cycled in and out of substance use for the next few years. We attempted various programs, mostly outpatient as he would not do well moving to a residential treatment setting. He had times where he felt successful in abstinence but as time wore on, he became more and more entrenched in his depression and substance use. He was convinced he was a bad person and could not seem to lift his self esteem as time wore on.
We tried every therapy in the book, that I knew of anyway. His support worker and I worked together weekly to help Antonio navigate through his emotions, his daily activities and his relationships.
Given all that, Antonio had great relationships with the residents in the building and the staff there. Everyone loved him. He would present with laughter and encouragement for others and companionship for those struggling. He worked his way into the hearts of everyone who knew him.
I guess that’s why it was hard to understand his depression and dark moments when they surfaced.
And then came the time that I had to retire and leave. It was an emotional moment when I told Antonio and there were some tears. I had promised to visit from time to time. But the pandemic hit. Antonio continued to use his substances and eventually lost his battle to what we referred to as the wolf. This was from the allegory of the Eagle and the Wolf. We referred to it often in our discussions and he would strive to feed the Eagle and not the wolf. He did not win his last battle.
There was no family that any of us knew of to contact. He did not know where his mother was or if she was even alive. He did not speak of his other brother.
Antonio died in his room alone from an overdose.
We were all devastated to the core to have lost such a beautiful yet troubled being. Shortly after I found out, I wrote “Antonio’s Song” and sang it at his memorial and again at the overdose awareness day event in 2021.
I had cried more than once for Antonio while he was struggling through his life. I cried for him finally at the news of his transition.
As I mentioned, I have recounted what I can remember of his stories over the 10 years we worked together. I hear many stories that are similar; some not so intense, and others much worse. So I will apologize if some of the details are not quite exact. The main points are there I believe.
Antonio was a friend. Counsellors aren’t allowed to be friends with their clients but I was never one to follow ridiculous and unrealistic rules. I miss you dearly my friend. Peace and love for you always. I think that’s all I have to say about that.
Please watch and listen to Antonio’s Song on my YouTube channel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_B2k_Xo6h8
Lyrics to “Antonio’s Song” copyright 2020 Ben Goerner
A child of war in his home town
Brother fought brother, he watched his family bleed
Thought he left behind the things that brought him down
Here he thought he’d found what he would need
But anger and rage followed him nonetheless
Instead he found he still had to fight
There were times when he got lost in the darkness
But he always seemed to find the light
But the wolf would chase him down
and hold him to the ground
But he would scratch and claw his way
Possibility and hope would win his day
He wore the scars of his life
You could see them in his tears and his smiles
He always had hope even through his strife
And kept going, kept walking through the miles
He always tried to reach for the best
he always seemed so real
he’d laugh away his stumbles laugh away his trips rise to the challenge
rise to the test
and always told you how he would feel
Now he flies with eagles
the wolf was left behind
Now he flies with angels
with the peace that floods his mind
Now he flies with spirit
And he’s not alone
yes he flies with the eagles
Today the angels called him home.