How do I write another song about yet another someone passing from this nightmare? You know, the other pandemic that no one wants to acknowledge. I have written and recorded at least 5 songs about people who have passed on. How do I write another one. When does the nightmare end? When can I wake up? When can the fucking world wake up? How do I write another song about this? I don’t think I can.
That was a Facebook post I wrote on September 11 2021. Yet another person I had worked with had been found in their room dead, alone. She was one of four in the last 30 days that I knew of. I will name her Jane to protect her family’s identity.
The first time I saw Jane, she was huddled in a sleeping bag with a cardboard box make shift shelter. It was raining and just before winter if I remember right. I was doing an early morning round of Outreach with the Gospel Mission at the time. I guess you could say we connected almost immediately. Our conversation was enlightening, open and productive. She actually came in to my office at our street clinic very shortly after.
I am retired now, but at the time I was (and still am I guess) a Mental Health and Substance Use Clinician. I practiced by taking what therapy I could directly to the street in my later years. I think Jane was ready to open and make some changes in her life. Those changes, as always, would take quite a while.
Jane attended regular meetings with me despite not having a place to live. Our conversations were intelligent, insightful and motivated. That is no easy place to be when someone is in the position that Jane was in. And she struggled.
She wanted to stop using street drugs. Like the vast majority of people who struggle with substance dependence, her journey was marked by wonderful successes and disappointing falls.
She did eventually find shelter at a newer facility that opened up in town. The facility, quietly at the time, provided an overdose prevention site within their building. This was the first of its kind and was not without controversy with all sorts of people when it became public knowledge. However, to this day, no one has died from an overdose within that facility. And many people there have moved on to more stable and secure residency.
After about 8-10 months or so of living at the shelter, she was desperate to find something more healthy and stable. New supportive housing was opening up throughout the city, again with huge resistance and controversy as the community did not, and still does not understand the purpose and nature of this type of housing.
Jane came into a meeting with me one day absolutely excited and ecstatic. She had been accepted into a new housing facility and for the first time in years, she would have a safe and stable place of her own without fear of being evicted if she used substances while there.
So we continued to meet at her residence. Our conversations changed in nature as we could focus more on personal growth and therapeutic work rather than simple survival skills.
Jane still struggled as people do while on their journeys. By the time I was ready to leave on my retirement, Jane was monitoring more and more significant periods of abstinence. And just as importantly, her anxiety and depression were decreasing significantly.
I followed her progress as I have with many that I have worked with over this last two years. The last time I saw Jane, she had reported one year abstinence from her drug of choice, crystal meth. She appeared very healthy when I saw her.
When I received the news of Jane’s death, I was devastated as were many that had worked with her. Of course my mind went right to “she relapsed and used a tainted drug”. This is now the typical way that people are “overdosing”; because of toxic drug poisoning.
Later I learned that she had died of “natural” causes. As if that was supposed to be better somehow.
I guess that’s why I’m writing this. The grief that we all feel from losing Jane from our lives is still painful. It leaves just as big of a hole in our hearts as any passing, including overdose or other drug related causes. Yet “thank god it wasn’t from overdose”.
This is the poison that has happened in our society. Someone who has died from a drug related cause is somehow less worthy of grief than from “natural” causes, or from an accident, or from some disease.
For this reason, I have written this story. For this reason, I did actually write this song. Somehow we must change how we see people who use drugs. After all, the majority of Canadians use drugs and or have used drugs of all sorts in their lifetimes. But somehow, those who develop the dependency have failed as people and should by shunned.
Thankfully not everyone who uses substances experience the progression of dependency. Substance Use Dependency is not a moral failure. It is the result of multiple reasons not the least of which are trauma and stigma.
Jane was the textbook person for someone struggling. She was on the roller coaster. She faced verbal and physical violence in her life before, and because of her dependency. She lost everything not only because of her dependency but also from the stigma we impose on people who use drugs. Jane overcame much of her dependency and was able to live a stable and safe lifestyle despite the stigma our community bestowed upon her and others.
Jane was not only a survivor, she was a warrior. She died a casualty to the war on drugs.
Please listen to the song through the link to my YouTube channel. It is dedicated to the person in this story. Here are the lyrics:
nhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kYdeHcp1do
Another Unexpected Ending
How can I write this song
Another friend is gone
I sit here in my empty mind
pretending everything’s fine
Is there no end to this
another heart that I will miss
I have no choice I live in this pain
I have to go through this over and over again
Was there anything more that I could have done
Oh was there anything more
How can I write another song
A never ending war another warrior gone
How can I sing another song
How can we keep on getting this so wrong
Another unexpected ending
How many will fall?
It’s always the same old verse
just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse
and the chorus is always the same
The whole world has gone insane
Is there no end to this
another heart that I will miss
I have no choice I live in this pain
I have to sing it all over and over again
Was there anything more that I could have done
Oh was there anything more?
Why are we singing this song
A never ending war another warrior gone
Why are we singing this song
How can we keep on getting it wrong
Why are we singing this song
How can we keep on getting this so wrong
A never ending war another warrior gone
Another unexpected ending
Copyright 2021 Ben Goerner