What it’s about is this: Too many of us do not want to see the reality of what happens to people when they lack resources or have physical or mental health issues. Not only is it “inconvenient”, for those who have, to stare in the faces of those who are destitute. It is terrifying to see someone living their worst nightmares. So those of us who are privileged enough to have, want to disappear those of us who don’t have.
We demonize them, we criminalize them, we “move them on”. Anything to avoid the truth. And the truth is no one should have to live like this. And we have the power to stop it. And much of that answer lies within how we have set up our market economy. But no one who benefits from that wants to admit the real problem or real answer. Why? Because if we do, we are terrified of living that same nightmare. So we continue to hoard resources and create barriers against “others”.
So rather than do the right thing. Rather than address the problem on a social level, rather than leaning in and maybe listening to a story told, rather than reaching an understanding and an empathic knowing, we objectify. We turn those real people who struggle into objects by labelling them. Because it’s easier to throw away objects that we don’t want than to give a hand up to a person who is struggling.
The good news is that there are quite a few of us who are willing to give a hand up. Some of us are well trained professionals, others are those who have been there and done that and got through it somehow. Still others are just blessed with compassion and empathy and some actually have an understanding of the problem that leads to people living out their worst nightmares. I like to think I am one of those people.
The song “Not Myself Today” is about a man that I worked with during the early part of the twenty teens. I was working in a street clinic at the time as the only Mental Health and Substance Use clinician in that clinic. We were staffed with a number of doctors and even more nurses as well as some very patient medical administors.
Life at the clinic was anything but boring. We had people from all walks of life attending for medical needs. Among the most important resources there were harm reduction supplies and information as well as my position. I saw myself as delivering a street version of various harm reduction/recovery strategies. The most important part of my job was motivation, providing opportunities for possibility and hope. I had a huge case load of people who were in and out with many moving forward in their journeys towards better lives. And I’m talking more than just recovery from substance use. I speak of access to resources such as housing, financial and vocational needs crucial to any recovery process.
Many of the people who I would work with struggled with what we labelled as concurrent disorders. That meant that along with possible multiple mental health issues such as personality, depressive, anxiety, or psychotic disorders, there was likely a substance use issue if not a disorder as well. One of the people I was blessed to work with, I’ll name him Al, struggled with concurrent disorders.
When I met him, Al was without housing. He struggled to access formal shelters due to his symptoms of his concurrent disorders. At the time, local shelters required full abstinence the day of admission and did not tolerant any type of intoxication. In other words, if someone had used anything, regardless of their behaviour at the time, they would be turned away from shelter, left to manage on the street.
Now one of the main reasons people use substances is to medicate. Al was a prime example. To him, his use of cocaine and other stimulants assisted in calming his racing mind and silenced the voices he would tell me about. This is typical for some mental health disorders. So when he could not use for a period of time, the voices would get louder. He struggled with what we call command voices and when really ill, would believe the commands he was given. His substance use actually helped to chill those voices out so that he could manage them more effectively. However, out of lack of knowledge at the time, the shelter, based on moral religious principals only, would not allow him to sleep there. Thus he settled in a tent somewhere out of sight in bushed area of the city.
Al told me of the voices in his head. Some days he was quite lucid and others not so much. We looked after his basic needs and it seemed he quite enjoyed our conversations when he was lucid. We would review harm reduction as well as motivation to eventually look at treatment for concurrent disorders. This is different than the traditional 12 step model we seem to think of when we think of treatment. The 12 step program is great for some, but in my experience sorely lacks when concurrent disorders are the issue. Al was in need of a more specialized approach.
Eventually we found a long term facility that Al could attend. The facility included psychiatry and medical interventions as well as 12 step philosophy and structure. It was communal in nature and people there contributed to the communal lifestyle as part of their program. This is shown to be a good self esteem builder and in helping to grow a sense of belonging along with the necessary psychiatric attention needed.
I heard from Al about 2 years later. He was living with family at the time and his family reported that he was doing well, all things considered.
Al had a kind heart despite his rather aggressive nature when struggling with severe symptoms. Most of us recognized this and were happy to assist him. I was glad to be a part of his journey.
The song my brother Karl and I wrote tells Al’s story. It also tells the story of others in similar positions. As importantly, it tells the story of how we view those people who need our help, not our disdain.
Here are the lyrics:
Not Myself Today
Written and performed by
Ben Goerner and Karl Goerner
Copyright 2013
I’m not myself today, get up in the usual way but
I’ve got these voices in my head
Shed my filth in the pouring rain, I look around am I insane
I feel a most peculiar dread
Where is my family, where is my home
Where are the things that used to be
I’m on another world where the unfamiliar roam
I wanna know what’s happening to me
Chorus:
I hear this voices in my head, I sleep in my contentious bed
Everyone is looking down at me.
I hear your voices in my head, I think it’s pretty clear what you have said
You just deny what you see
This is my reality.
My head seems quite now, but that’ll change I know somehow
I search for my tranquility
These streets will fill my needs, voices will soon succeed
This shit will be my guillotine
(Chorus)
I’m not myself today, go to bed in the usual way but
Still got these voices in my head
They speak of love they speak of you
They speak of all I’ve put you
They speak of all the love you’ve bled
(Chorus)