As the final day of 2024 begins, I find myself in a kind of disparate mood. I even had trouble trying to find the right word to describe it but I think disparate covers it. Basically the word means two different “worlds” of thought, and for me, feeling. Funny how we are so prone to think of everything in two dimensions; this or that. We also tend to exclude the relationship between “this” and “that” which seems to be a primary mistake leading to many of our problems within ourselves, between each other, and the world. But I digress – sort of.
Today, I woke up after struggling with some minor health issues. I am in the process of determining what they are. So I have a little anxiety on this level. I did not sleep well – again.
As with most days in my life of retirement, I woke up after varying dreams of grappling with issues of the overwhelming losses still occurring in our society from overdose deaths. In my career and life, too many died, too close to home and on “my watch” while I was working. I have said many times that my retirement has not changed anything about the crisis; that you don’t just walk away and forget the people you walked beside. It’s not like I was on some sort of production line producing widgets. It’s impossible to file away their stories, their loves, hates, anguish, and accomplishments, never to think of them again. The darkness of that pain visits me constantly in the night and too often in the light of day. I was often sick when I was working. It is not lost on me that my health is once again, walking hand in hand with the darkness I have seen, and lived, in the world.
As I have mentioned, as humans we tend to think two dimensionally. Too often we over focus on just one dimension. We have this bizarre fascination to wallow in the negative. It’s like slowing down to drive by an accident just to see, or to open that video in social media that warns of graphic content. We seem to have this morbid curiosity about pain, struggle and anguish. It’s almost like there’s this primal need to feel threatened, and justify our own pain. The danger in this is remaining mired in that muck. However, when our eyes open, there is also something motivating about recognizing and knowing pain, suffering, and struggle.
I mentioned that my moods today were conflicting. I have shed a very brief and quick light on one side of the conflict. The dark world in which I tend to wallow all too often is not the only place I reside. There is a world of light. And today, I am reminded and heartened by the every day heroes that also must face this darkness in our world. As I believe Mr Rogers had said: “Look for the helpers” in times of crisis. So that’s what I did today.
They are the light that gets through the cracks. Those heroes are far from being two dimensional. They are the warriors in this senseless battle against people who use substances and sometimes struggle with health issues. They are the bearers of light, spreading it, if all too slowly, and against much resistance, in a very dark and sleeping world.
I am talking about those who are first and foremost in their own personal battles. Like my battles, the vast majority of us are in constant engagement with mental and physical health issues. Anyone waking up this morning, regardless of mood or thought, is a hero in my books. Even if you are lying there in bed not wanting to face the trials of the day, you are aware. Your heart is beating, your lungs are taking in spirit through the air that you breathe; and with each heart beat, each breath, there is hope and possibility. It might be painful, but regardless how you did it, you’ve made it to this point. You are my hero!
There are many mornings when the only thing I want to do is go back to sleep. And occasionally I do – And I’m still here today. It’s okay. I can’t always be in the trenches, breathing in the desperation of so many others … remembering so many others. So I rest. There is healing in rest.
Then there are the heroes that get up and move. The courage and strength that it takes to face the darkness is formidable. To get up and move is to remember that you carry the light that shines through the cracks in the world. Sometimes those heroes manage their day in ways that not all of us understand. They shed their light anyway.
Sometimes to get through the day, we need to take the edge off of that pain so that we can focus on the light. Sometimes that light is in the distance, sometimes, like a warm welcoming hug, it is right in front of us. Sometimes we recognize that it is within us to light the way for others – And we get through. We cope and manage the best we can with what works so that we can live, so our hearts will beat and our lungs will savour the spirit in the air that we breathe. Sometimes we cope in healthy ways, sometimes we cope in ways that we are told are unhealthy, but they work anyway. Either way, we manage. We get through. We survive to move towards the promising light of hope and possibility. If you made it through the day, regardless of how, you are my hero.
Then there are the heroes who spread their light day in and day out. You can find them everywhere. They are in our homes, they are in shelters, they walk the streets offering and providing hope and possibility for others. They are there when someone has dropped from the poisons on the street, saving lives, giving next chances, enabling life. Sometimes, they can’t save a life, but they don’t give up despite the despair.
There are heroes in medical street clinics providing life saving supplies, strategies and support for those who may be struggling. There are heroes providing life saving treatment for people who are on that part of their journey. There are heroes providing opportunities for everyone, equally and without judgement, regardless of where they are at in their personal journeys.
There are heroes who are fighting, thanklessly these days. They are fighting for justice, human rights; to shed light on facts, to dispel harmful myths and change attitudes and policies that will be life saving for all. They are doing so with compassion, understanding, empathy and most of all courage.
These heroes on all levels of the battle field, are fighting against an enemy of ignorance and fear. And they fight regardless of the deliberate resistance; the name calling; the unimaginable will of some who would allow death to be an acceptable option should someone stray off the path of two dimensional myopic expectations. These heroes often open their eyes in the morning and steel themselves for the daily onslaught of negativity and darkness that the world’s anti heroes can dish out. These heroes are tired. They are discouraged. They are disillusioned and confused by the formidable resistance to what we should all know is right. Yet they get up and face this every day. They do so despite grief, and loss. In fact they do this because of those. These are heroes that recognize more than two dimensional realities of health and being.
All of the heroes I have spoke of face their own darkness everyday. Sometimes they don’t always get out of bed, but mostly they do. Either way, they manage and they are here. And their courage and strength is an inspiration, not only for others, but for themselves when they are reminded of it.
And overall, what matters, is what we all see when we look in the mirror. It may at first seem like hero vs villain, regardless of the battle. But I hope that I have shed light on the reality that heroes are far from two dimensional. We are far from two dimensional. The battles that I was in, and as I begin to heal my battle wounds once again, were far from two dimensional. My successes and losses were not two dimensional.
We are not “us vs them”. The issues are not “this vs that”. And it most certainly is not treatment or death. We are us. The issues are this and that. It must be treatment and life saving harm reduction. And the answers are not exclusive to any one of two dimensions but within a sphere of possibilities. And those possibilities are accessible through hope, not punishment, guilt or despair.
This morning, on the eve of the new year about to commence, this is how I got out of bed. I put on my pants one leg at a time and, for today and the foreseeable future, (if there is such a thing as foreseeable), have committed to continuing my journey. My journey first and foremost must be about my own health and wellbeing. I can’t extinguish or cover my light and expect anything to grow or change. I have to be my own hero. It is the courage, strength and light of all of the other heroes out there that inspire my heart to beat and my lungs to engulf that pure spirit in the air. So from the bottom of my beating heart, thank you. You’re all heroes to me.
